Inside Delirium

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Anti-Bobby Flay Ring

Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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November 30, 2000

Is imitation *really* the sincerest form of flattery?

Yeah, we've all heard that saying. Imitating something or recreating it is supposed to be the most sincere form of flattery out there...but, really, is it? I mean, I know, all greats build on the past, but would you like to have another little you running around; doing everything you do, thinking the same things you think, saying the same things you say all for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than their own insecurities? Well, I'm starting to feel a bit claustrophobic here, and it's driving me insane.
Ok, first off, I came to college to get *away* from home, not to only have a surrogate mother for a roommate. I can't even breathe funny, and I hear a chorus of "are you ok?" If I just don't have a smile on my face, I get "what's wrong?" I wanted some water the other day, but just didn't feel like getting up, and I groaned that under my breath. She said "oh, do you want me to get it for you?" as if I couldn't get up and get it myself. I yelled at her and told her that I'm very capable of standing up on my own two feet, and getting a cold glass of water on my own. She also, one time, asked who was calling me when I was sitting right there one day. It's none of her damn business who calls me. I can understand asking who is calling if she's taking a message, but when I'm sitting right there waiting to take the phone, you DO NOT ask who in the hell is calling me. I enjoy my privacy very much, and would rather I got it instead of having her know every little detail of my everyday life. Grr. I understand, she's just being nice and all, but I can't take it anymore. I just want to be left alone. I don't need somebody to ask me if I'm ok, or if something's wrong all of the time because generally, nothing *is* wrong, and I'm perfectly friggin' fine. If something is wrong, or I'm not feeling well, I do have friends that I can talk to to help cheer me up or whatever. Another thing that pisses me off is when she apologizes constantly. I don't laugh at a joke, and she apologizes for telling it. I don't reply when she asks if I'm ok, and she apologizes. I trip on *my* shoes, and hit my head on the wall, and she apologizes. Damnit, just shut up already! That's something that I hate about this room. There's no way for me to retreat unless I want to lock myself in the bathroom for a few hours until she either goes to class, or just leaves for a while. Since I'm not about to do that, nor am I about to kick her out, I have to just learn to live with it. I don't want to have to learn to live with it...I want to have my freedom! I want to spread my wings and fly, fly, fly away towards the stars and explore the grand universe above...or some other bull like that. Let's face it, all I want is a break, and some time alone.

Alright. Next, I'm going to tackle the whole "yeah, I agree" portion...the "thinking the same things you think" in other words. Everytime I have a contradictory opinion to something she has, she'll just stop and say "that's true," or "yeah, I agree" for no reason whatsoever. One thing I absolutely can't stand is when people agree with me because they think I'll hate them otherwise. I do get a sense of personal satisfaction when I can argue a point with somebody and eventually at least enlighten them enough to think it over, but I hate it when somebody just agrees with me. Being "fake" I guess you could say. I know the only reason why she does it is so I'll accept her. I already do even though I'd rather she just left me alone. I'd give examples, but I'd rather not for fear that more people will want to be like me because I'm just so amazingly cool and all :P.

Ok, now here's where I get to the "wanting to be like me" thing. First it was the agreeing that everything I thought was cool, was. I mean, I had a problem with that from day one when everything I'd say I liked got a "oh, cool so do I!" from her. Every movie that I had (that she saw) was cool, every band that I liked that she knew of was cool...just everything that I liked was cool. I admit, I do kick major arse in the coolness department, but c'mon. Next was the addition of odd-colored streaks in her hair. I know, a lot of people have streaks in their hair, but my roomie had never dyed her hair before, and the first thing she did was do orange streaks...something, in a way, to counteract my currently blacklight yellow ones. At that time, I didn't even give it a second thought, but I did find it odd that that was the first thing she'd ever do. A few days ago, she told me that she had decided to give up pop (or as some people call it...soda :P) claiming that I inspired her to do so (since I gave it up about two weeks ago). She's doing it the exact same way that I did, too; drinking a large amount for a few days, and then quitting cold-turkey. I have been slightly annoyed with that. I do understand that it's better for her health, but there are too many things that she's trying to do now that make me feel uncomfortable with the idea of her quitting it. Now just today, she got a refund check of about $700 from one of her scholarships which, obviously, she was very excited about. You know what she said she was going to buy with it? A guitar. That's right, a guitar. What, you say? "Who cares, *lots* of people own guitars" but she never had the inclination to play one before until she noticed that I had just played mine today. She's willing to blow $700 of her money which could go for *much* more important things (like her credit card bill...and you *know* it's important if I say to give up a musical instrument for a lousy bill. If I got money for food, I'd spend it on music of some sort) on a measly guitar...and I believe...I sincerely believe it's because I have one. I can't understand this. I've spent my entire life trying not to feel awkward about being independant and being my own person. To think for myself, and hopefully help a few others on the way, but I can't stand this idea that somebody feels the need to be exactly like me. I wish she'd just be herself, and let me be me. Perhaps I'm just being paranoid; which is very well possible...maybe I just need an extended break from her, which is obviously true, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something more going on there. I need it to stop, damnit. I'm not the person anybody should want to emulate.

Posted by ladyx at November 30, 2000 02:23 AM

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