Inside Delirium

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Anti-Bobby Flay Ring

Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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July 29, 2001


Those rotten sons of bitches are requiring me to go to an orientation. I can't register for classes until four days before the bloody semester starts. Damnit...

Posted by ladyx at 11:58 PM | Comments (0)

July 23, 2001


I'm about ready to kill. I have to register for classes at the college that I transfered to, and need to complete this task by August 4th. Well, it appears it's more difficult than I thought it would be, damn them :P.
First off, I decided I'd register for my classes via the online registration system. I went to the website, and it turns out, I needed a PIN number for the system. Well, since I went to school at this college three years ago when I was still in high school, I had used this system before, and had a PIN number. Thanks to my good luck, I couldn't find it, nor, for the life of me, could I remember it, and the school never sent it to me again after I applied this past summer. Ok, no problem, I can handle this. They won't actually give you the PIN online, so you either have to call the school, and they'll snail mail the number to you, or you have to show up at the school with a picture ID, and they'll give it to you. I went to get it on Friday just before five, took the elevator to the third floor, and found that the room I was supposed to go to was closed. Yippee. I went back downstairs; hoping to find anybody that may help me, when I saw a woman leave the room where they were taking registrations and whatnot. I talked to her, and she told me that the upstairs office closed at 4:30. Ok, guess that meant I'd have to go back up there today instead.

I got up this morning, and took off for the university (which is about a 20-30 minute drive away) around 12:30. Got down there, took the elevator to the third floor again, walked in the office, and asked about picking up the PIN number. "I'm sorry, they're doing that in the room downstairs," said the chick. Well, that's just great considering the fact that, when I was there on Friday, that room (where they were taking the registrations) was still bloody open (they were closing just as I was leaving), and I could've gotten my PIN number then easily. Bah :P.

Anyway, I got home after stopping to see my sister for a short time, and picking up a job application, turned on my computer, logged online, and before I got the chance to go to the online registration system's website, my brother came bounding in my room telling me he was waiting for a phone call. Little bastard. Fine, so I logged off, and waited until ater he ended up calling his little friend before I logged on again. I finally got the chance to get back online, got to the system's website again, plugged in my student ID number and my PIN. Finally, I could register for classes, give my mom the total tuition owed so she'd stop bugging me for it, and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Yay! Yeah right, I'm not that lucky...

The next page loads telling me that I have a nice hold on my account due to the fact that I haven't signed up for an orientation session. What the bloody hell fuck?!? I've lived in this area for pretty much my entire life, AND I've attended classes at this university before, and they're STILL wanting me to go to orientation. BULLSHIT! Now I can't register for any of my damn classes until I get this straightened out, and I'm willing to bet they're not going to permit me to skip the damn orientation. Fuckers. That pisses me off so damn much. Argh. I can't get this straightened out until at least tomorrow, either. Another day to wait, which might not seem like much, but as soon as my mom comes in asking about it, and I tell her I can't register, she's going to bitch at me about it. Damn those bastards. It's not even that big a deal, really, it just pisses me off because I was hoping I'd get all of this done. Fuck.

Posted by ladyx at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2001

So You're A Slut; Great! Pardon Me While I Vomit.

You know what I can't stand? Chicks who scrump celebrities. Ick ick, and ick some more. What in the hell is with these stupid assed kids who go around screwing almost 60 year old men? It baffles me, personally.
Ok, if some dumbass slut wants to scrump a celebrity, be used by them, and thrown out like trash, that's all well and good, I guess, but *why* do they insist on thinking that people actually want to hear about it? The hell?!? I *DON'T* want to hear about your sexual encounters with some aging has-been musician. Personally, I think it's bad enough that you would have such a low opinion of yourself as to stoop to the level of common dog shit and sleep with somebody famous (especially one that you were watching when you were 6 years old--they being in their 40's at that time) just because of some childish fantasy, but when you actually start telling people about it...especially telling ME about it, you're just going beyond the level of common skankiness. Actually, I shouldn't say that just because somebody has a low opinion of themself, it means they'd stoop, because those are levels not even I would sink to, and I'm the queen of no self-esteem.

I had some girl come into the chat room that I was in tonight and share one of these lovely stories of passion with me. She didn't really go into detail, but upon seeing "I slept with him," I went off completely. I called her a few choice things, told her that this guy is probably laughing about her with his friends, and generally really made her feel like a piece of shit. Maybe that was wrong on my go off on such a tangent, but in my opinion, if you're going to do it, you deserve the reputation you'll get afterwards, along with every little insult and putdown that's thrown in your direction. The girl got pissed, called me a "jealous 40 year old housewife" and left (oh yeah, being used by some wrinkly old guy who has seen more c*** than a gyno has always been my biggest dream. How I envy!). Perhaps I was too hard on her, but I still wouldn't take back what I said.

I guess what it all boils down to is obsession. She admitted to being "obsessed" with these aging pigs since she was young, so it was basically a "I had to do it" thing. Admittedly, there are musicians that I find incredibly attractive (John Taylor, yum) and that are old enough to be my parents, however, I'm not obsessed with them to the point where I'd want to sleep with ANY of them. That, to me, crosses a line which should in no way be crossed between a fan and a celebrity. That's the celebrity abusing their "power" over, what was essentially, a child (who is the same age as I am, btw :P), and this idiot being overcome with feelings of lost infatuation and innocence; which they lose at the drop of the pants. I don't necessarily mean virginity, in this case, just something that, if ever offered to me, would totally and completely ruin my view of the star I once had a crush on, and now have a certain amount of respect and admiration for. I have no problem seeing these guys as real people who live real lives, make mistakes, do whatever else. In fact, it's really a wonderful thing when you can see one of these stars as the basic human that they really are, but intimacy is still a realm that should be kept off-limits to fans. I suppose, regardless, there are always going to be a few who will go out whoring themselves to celebrities, but for the love of self-respect, don't bloody brag about it. Better to be the housewife (that apparently doesn't get any from the mailman, according to my blundering bonehead. Seeing how the housewife has a husband, I don't know why she'd need the mailman, but I digress)...actually, better to be the prude with some self-respect than to be the slut with the remote-controlled zipper.

Posted by ladyx at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)

July 19, 2001

Tempest Smith: Darwinism in Schools

I don't know what it is about Tempest Smith's story that strikes such a chord. Maybe it's because that could have been me at 13. I attempted suicide. I was Goth. I was Pagan. I felt all alone too. Maybe it's because I wouldn't have even heard of Tempest if it wasn't for the Pagan community. To me, this is an OUTRAGE. The Columbines and Jonesburos we still hear about but nobody here even mentioned this poor girl. Why? Because she was actually Pagan, unlike the others? Because she choose to end her own life instead of the lives of others? Maybe it is because it makes me wonder what we give up for religious freedom and freedom of expression. Is it really worth it to be "free"? I would give up my religious freedom, go to church every Sunday, dress like and be like a "good" Christian if just one Tempest could forgo the tortures of modern life. But no, that's not what this about. It's not about Pagan vs. Christian. It's about twisted Darwianism. Survival of the fittest. Kids scavenging on other kids and being allowed to do it. Rarely does a species target and kill itself like a predator as humans do. We are a sick species. I hope someday we find a cure.
Tempest was a 12 year old girl who went to school in Michigan. She was different than the other kids. She dressed in black. She had become interested in Wicca (often associated with witchcraft). She was basically deemed a gothic witch by her fellow students. She used to be taunted for her personality (she was said to be a shy girl), her clothing and her religion by almost her entire school. On Feb. 20, 2001, she hung herself. Her mother is now suing the school because they did nothing about the discrimination. In my humble opinion, the school had to know.

Her story reminds me a lot of my own. At that age, I went through a Goth phase. That is the age that I first became interested in Wicca. Kids at school used to torment me, not because of my religion or dress (I never talked about my religion to anyone but a few friends), because I was shy and different. I stuck out. At the age of 13, I tried to kill myself. I'm glad I didn't succeed. I'm sure Tempest didn't really want to succeed either. She just wanted to get away.

The most striking thing about the whole story is that I only heard about it by accident. I was searching for something else and found this story (on a Pagan page, not a news website) and I was shocked. I hadn't heard a thing abut this girl. I still hear about Columbine almost every day. We hear about how the kids were tormented; how their "Pagan" dress and CDs encouraged them to kill. I know, more people were killed at Columbine. However, I would expect one mention of Tempest, a real Pagan, who choose to kill herself. A life is a life. An outrage is an outrage. Maybe the press didn't feature her because they can't vilify Pagans in this story. The culprits were Christians. The "weapons" were found in the Bible and Sunday school instead of a Manson CD.

I'm sure dozens of kids kill themselves every year because of harassment at school and even more attempt or think about it. It's dangerous to be different. It's dangerous not to be Christian. It's dangerous not to wear "Gap" or whatever is in fashion in your area. This is one reason why I'm never having kids. I'm sure mine would odd. I'm sure mine would think outside the box. I'm sure they would go through the same hell that so many kids have gone through before them. School leaves emotional scars that aren't easily forgotten. Things that you said to that little "freak" when you were 12 probably still haunt her today. She probably will never get over it.

I don't blame Christianity. It's not about religion. Pagans even discriminate amongst themselves. "You're not a real witch because you don't do it this way" "You have to be descended from [insert someone] to call yourself part of my group." "The way you believe is wrong, my way is right." I was recently told that I had rejected the Goddess once and, therefore, wasn't fit to be a Wiccan anymore. To me, religion is, at its base, about loving the divine, knowing yourself and accepting the ways of the Divine. Accepting others who are on that same journey is part of accepting the Divinity. I wish more saw it that way (Pagan and Christian alike).

I don't blame CDs, video games and TV. In my opinion, these things merely mirror our problems, they don't cause them. The world was screwed up before Marylin Manson.

So, where does this hate come from? Human nature? I don't think humans are inherently evil. I don't think the kids mean to force their classmates into suicides. I think they are just doing what they have to do to fit in. They probably worry that if they don't play the bully, they'll be the bullied. It's dangerous to stand up and say "stop" in a school. You make yourself a target. It's only when the majority, the silent majority, stands up and says "STOP" that the cry will be heard. The people who sit by and watch, not participating, not doing anything, need to say something. There are more of you. There are more people in the silence of the halls than there are being bullied or bullying.

I've had people who used to tease me come up to me and apologize now that they are older. They say they didn't mean to be such asses, they just were afraid that they wouldn't be accepted. I understand, however it doesn't make the scars hurt any less. I guess, somehow, the bullying still haunts them too. They were just as insecure as I was. They just expressed it differently. Instead of cowering in fear of their insecurity, they struck out at someone who they saw as weaker.

Too bad Tempest will never get the chance to confront her attackers when she is stronger. Too bad she can't see that it gets better. To all those Tempests on the web who might read this, it does get better. Life isn't all Jr. High. Life goes on afterwards. Even outcasts get married, get good jobs, have friends, get great lives. To some, school is the best years of their lives. They get to push people around, be popular, have lots of friends and dates...I think there is something else in store for those who don't get this chance. Life is a balance. Honestly, I'm glad the best years of my life are now and in the future and not back in school. It's more fun living in the present than dwelling in the past like some of the people I know who were "popular" throughout High School.

As much as I bitch on here, I do have a good life. I'm happy. I have a few close friends (who needs more than a few). It wasn't all the bullies. I had to find myself too. I had to find my voice. Something I couldn't do at a public school.

From now on, I'm going to try and smile more at people who seem to need it. I'm going to try and radiate positive energy towards them. You never know what will mean the difference between life and death to someone. Perhaps had someone given Tempest a little smile, she would still be here today.

Posted by vixen at 06:16 PM | Comments (2)

July 16, 2001

Words fail me. Misunderstanding. I dunno. Also, random musings.

I guess I'm not good at expressing emotion, or how I feel about some people. This leads to misunderstanding. (Misunderstanding eventually leads to the end of humanity. I digress.) Instead of "attractive", I should probably have used "admiration". Oh well. "Quirk" I have, "hick" I be. OK.
Really, I don't even know I just wrote the above paragraph; sometimes you can't explain things. I'm not sure if that is the case or not.

Albums that came out, bands you never really cared about until years later, sometimes kickass.

Cats have powers. They appear out of nowhere. It's amazing, if not freaky.

People that come to the door and ask you to sign for something, but force you to ask what it is your signing for, annoy me. It's standard operating procedure, I'm sure, but it's annoying to have to take the initiative.

"Bah" is my favorite way to end a post. Therefore, Bah. Bah. The end. Bah.

Posted by bard at 10:39 PM | Comments (2)

Movies, Movies Movies!

Well, here it is, another Monday, another week without a rant...a while without one of any real magnitude. In an effort to better bolster the blog's bodacious body of BS, I'll rant about ugh..hmm, let's see, do I feel like ranting about religious intolerance, about Death Cheney? No, no, something lighter. I already did reality TV. {opens the papers, scouts around for a topic..spies the July 4th batch of movies...ok, MOVIES it is}.

Is there actually a movie worth watching that's being released this summer? The box office smash, Jurassic Park is getting sequel number 2 (like he first sequel wasn't bad enough). And, Jeff Goldblum, the only good thing in JP2 (hey Jeffy fans) wasn't even invited. He had to stoop as low as to be in a film which I'm sure will get an Oscar nomination (and which I'm going to see soon in a sneak peak [embarassed shuffle]) Cats and Dogs where, instead of playing a smart mathematician who tries to save the world from utter peril, he plays a smart animal scientist who tries to save the world fr .... point is, it's a stupid movie! He would have been better served to be in JP3. At least, the very least, it has the cool special effects. From the previews, the special effects in Cats and Dogs seem to have came out to the muppet workshop and the entire plot seems to be something a 5 year old wrote. The plot of JP3 is much the same, but who cares? It's got kick ass dinosaurs. I know, "Get off Goldblum. Get onto someone else for crying out loud! Are you obsessed with this man?" Of course not, it's not I like run a Jeff Goldblum fan site or something [embarssed giggle]. I just think the weird juxtaposition of Jeff's past glory and his apparent future is ironic. Naw, he'll get a good role eventually I'm sure. If it gets seen, it gets seen, no matter how silly a film. Egh, NEXT.
The next film is AI with the "I see dead people" kid. Isn't he like 16 by now? Gee, you'd think the kid would leave us alone already. In this he plays a android. I haven't seen the movie, but it looks like your average sci-fi android flick. Not Quite Human comes to mind. They all are about the same as the old fairy tale Pinocchio. Fake kid becomes "real", has fun along the way, weehaw. World domination and whirring effects are optional. Even if this film were good, I would never go to see it because of the tagline, "His love is real. But he is not." I feel sick to my stomach just hearing that. The kid was better off seeing dead people. People will see this for the effects and not for the "love". However, the new Final Fantasy appears to have better effects and no real kids to threaten to love you. From what I hear, no real plot either which makes it even better. At least it doesn't pretend.

What else is opening this week. Pootie Tang isn't even worth a rant. Scary Movie 2, another sequel that shouldn't have been made. Just go rent Scary Movie again. It's sure to be the same juvenile humor and the same stupid gags. Save yourself the cash.

People wonder why I never go to see movies. Can someone actually tell me which one of them is worth the $4 ticket price? [waits patiently] I didn't think so. Bah to them all.

Posted by vixen at 07:18 AM | Comments (0)

July 10, 2001

It Pays to Be a Cynic

The Kaycee Scam: Short Version ; The Kaycee Scam: Long ; Charity on the Web

I read Debbie's ("kaycee's mom") journal a few months back when I was looking to redesign ID and checking out the competition (I even bookmarked it because it looked groovy. I was looking for layout and not content) and I read about kaycee's supposed bevy of illnesses and shook my head. I said to myself "this sounds like a scam", even though I didn't really know the depths of the scam (my god, someone had too much spare time). I even told a friend who mentioned kaycee in her blog that I thought the whole deal was scam (she got really mad at me and called me unfeeling and uncaring and a bunch of other things . . . :-p to you and I told you so {g} I hope I'm the one breaking the news to you too, bwhahahaha {g} JK :-). Am I unfeeling? No. Cynical? Yes. Bitchy? Perhaps. But, you know what? I was right! This just proves that every newbie I've doubted who said they were raped or beaten or abused deserved it. I've been proven right in my doubting at least 90% of the time. The other 10% is unproven, but I'm sure they weren't for real either.

Why do people feel like they have to make up fantastical stories to get people's attention? My co-bloggers and I chat quite a bit and we get a "kaycee" at least once a month. Are some of them for real? Maybe. However, as LadyX can attest to (she's even cared enough to look up one of them who was supposed to be in a coma), most of them are not. It's really a sad state when you have to make up illnesses. It makes people with actual problems less likely to get the help they need.
It's people like this that make people who actually do care feel stupid, used and leave them not wanting to care when someone actually does have a problem. Should we be cynical on the web? I would say yes and no. Don't doubt everything (if LadyX came to me tomorrow and said she was seriously ill, I would believe and trust her. I wouldn't need to call the hospitals in her state and ask if she was registered.) but doubt the obvious. Reading the account of "Kaycee", I can see several obvious red flags.

Do I blame people for caring? No. Love is what the world needs more of {sings what the world needs now is love sweet love then thwacks herself}. However, if you believe every sob story you hear online, you'd be torn apart inside. IMHO, you can't feel guilty for doubting someone's story. It happens too often online. Online is the place for writers and creative (if not psychotic) minds. Doubt is just a method for emotional survival. Cynicism is smart. Closing off your heart to all pain is another thing entirely. Most people who really have obstacles to overcome and hardships will understand doubt. Your doubt is the least of their problems. I find the ones who react the worst to doubt are those with something to hide (as in they are hiding the fact that they are lying out their arse).

It makes me sick to know that people use the emotions of kind and caring people, but it's a fact of life. I'm an empathic person however I pick and choose who to share my empathy with. This just reaffirms my belief that empathy should be carefully given.

Posted by vixen at 06:13 PM | Comments (2)

July 09, 2001

Ex-Beatle Harrison Reported Battling Cancer Again

By Ralph Gowling

LONDON (Reuters) - Former Beatle George Harrison is reported to have received treatment at a Swiss cancer clinic -- his third battle in the past few years against the disease.

Just over 18 months ago, the 58-year-old guitarist and singer survived a life-and-death struggle of a different kind, when a knife-wielding intruder stabbed him in the chest at his home near London.

The Swiss newspaper Sonntagszeitung reported on Sunday that Harrison had been treated for a brain tumor in a cancer hospital in Bellinzona in southern Switzerland.

Cancer specialist Franco Cavalli did not deny he was treating Harrison at the San Giovanni hospital but declined to give details, the paper said.

According to Sonntagszeitung, Harrison was in Bellinzona in the Italian-speaking south of Switzerland during May and June for radiotherapy.

Harrison had rented a house in Luino in Italy, a 40-minute drive from Bellinzona, during the cobalt radiation treatment.

Sonntagszeitung said it was not clear whether Harrison was still being treated in Bellinzona or had returned to his house in Hawaii.

British newspapers carried similar reports on Monday. ''(Harrison) was here in May and June...But he is not a patient any more,'' the Mirror tabloid quoted a San Giovanni hospital spokesman as saying.

No one at Harrison's record company in London was immediately available for comment on the report.

Earlier this year Harrison had a cancer-like sore removed from his lungs at the Mayo Clinic in the United States.


Harrison overcame throat cancer in 1998, which he blamed on smoking. He was given the all-clear after radiation therapy.

``I gave up cigarettes many years ago but had started again for a while and stopped in 1997,'' he said at the time. ``Luckily for me, they found that this nodule was more of a warning than anything else.''

The former Beatle was almost killed in the attack at his home near London in late 1999.

Only the actions of his wife Olivia, who struck the knife-wielding attacker over the head with a poker and table lamp, saved him.

Harrison was known as the ``quiet Beatle'' when he was the lead guitarist for the band during their heyday in the 1960s.

``I guess if you've got to be in a rock group it might as well be the Beatles,'' he once quipped.

Harrison was rated as a major musician in his own right only after the break-up of the ``Fab Four.''

The main claim to fame of the Beatles' youngest member during their reign as the kings of pop music was his devotion to oriental mysticism. He persuaded the other Beatles to travel to India to sit at the feet of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

He learned to play the sitar, and incorporated the instrument into a number of their songs.

The reserved Liverpudlian lived for many years in the shadow of John Lennon and Paul McCartney, and was liberated by the band's break-up in 1970 -- as one associate said, it was ''like recovering from a six-year dose of constipation.''

He soon released a treble album ``All Things Must Pass'' which proved his worth as both a guitarist and song-writer, and enjoyed a worldwide smash hit with ``My Sweet Lord.''

In the 1980s he produced films through his own company, HandMade Films, and joined Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison and Tom Petty to found the popular Traveling Wilburys in the 1990s.

Some people may not care, but I do, so tough shit :P.

Posted by ladyx at 12:32 AM | Comments (2)

July 07, 2001

There really isn't much I have to say.

Hey boys & girls, guess what time it is? It's time for my annual "I'm not dead (as if anyone cared), it's just that I have nothing interesting to rant about." post. Until next time...

Posted by bard at 10:42 PM | Comments (0)


You want to know something scary? Inside Delirium comes up #1 when you search for "sexy twelve year old girls pictures" on Google. Actually, I'm surprised we don't have more hits with that one. So, which one of you has been taking photos of sexy 12 year old girls? Bard? {g}
Apparently, any mention of SEX on a website gets brought up in searchs. So, I'll just have to stop using the word sex from now on because god forbid this website be associated with sex and lots of people seem to search for sex. I mean, there are sites about sex with dogs, sex with cars, sex in cars, sex on cars, sex on the floor, sex outdoors, leather sex, spanking sex, bondage sex, sexy kids, sexy blondes, sexy people with breasts, sex with boobs, penis implants, viagra and more. It's a crazy world wide web you know....{end shameless search engine spam...weird search results are fun}

Posted by vixen at 07:14 AM | Comments (2)