Inside Delirium

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Anti-Bobby Flay Ring

Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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November 30, 2001

George Harrison

I just learned that George Harrison died Thursday. My best wishes go out to his family. Take care, George.

Posted by ladyx at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2001

Turkey Induced Visions

Apparently there is a reason why I don't eat meat, especially turkey. Some people say Tryptophan induces sleep. I think it induces bad dreams. Just for the hell of it, I'm gong to share mine with you. I quickly jotted it down, as I often do with my dreams, half awake early this morning so this is just what I remember.

The first thing I remember is driving in a SUV with my nieces's dad. For some reason, there was ice all around and his car broke down on a hill. We got out and attempted to fix it and some crazy person came up and screamed at us about bin Laden. I don't remember exactly what he said, I just remember "Bin Laden owns Chuck E. Cheese. You've been supporting him for years! He's in America's infrastructure!" Then I turned around and noticed there was a shelter across the street from where we broke down so I grabbed a bunch of stuff out of the car and went. Inside, they tried to take away a huge stuffed frog I was holding as it was made by Bin Laden too. For some reason I didn't want to give it up so I had a kick boxing fight with a chick and left only to go outside and see Chuck Norris working on the SUV. He stopped, looked up and said "You did good!" and then kept on. My mom pulled up behind me and said she heard I needed help and offered to take me home. She did and my house was just about 3 feet down the street. It wasn't my house but a huge Victorian mansion and Scott Baio was in the yard. She said she'd leave me outside with Chachi and went inside. Now come the weird parts.

Scott Baio and I went inside. I told him that the family was upstairs. He said "yeah but my bedroom is downstairs" and apparently that was enough for me to go down and make out with him. Ick! Lucky thing I did because we heard a gunshot upstairs (actually getting shot would be better than making out with Scott Baio....damn me). Scott (being braver than I would expect him too. One would expect he'd be under the bed crying) went outside through sliding glass doors and checked it out and I trailed behind him. There was a guy who liked Lex Luther on the balcony. Scott tripped and made a loud noise and Lex looked down. He didn't see us but I heard someone say "we have dogs" (I assumed they were talking about Scott {g}) so Scott yelled at me to let out the dogs. I opened his closet and 2 Dobermans jumped out.

I don't remember exactly how this happened, but somehow the bad guys get downstairs and Lex Luther was assembling a nuclear bomb in the kitchen. Enter Barry Van Dyke (aka Steve Sloan from "Diagnosis Murder"...I dream about his bastard a lot. He rarely even speaks to me. He always just gets me shot or thrown off a cliff or something. I hate him). As soon as he comes in the door, he gets shot (unfortunately, he doesn't die. He'll be back later) and I start shooting with a beebee gun which hurts no one. One of the bad guys gives me a gun with only two bullets so the fight will be fair. I argue with him that it isn't fair and I don't belive in thing I remember I'm shooting at a midget girl who can't get her gun unstuck from her garter belt (and the Freudians rejoice). Then I remember the nuclear bomb.

Somehow, Steve Sloan made it to the kitchen and is laying on the floor across from Lex Luther (who also got shot, don't ask me how). I scream "that's a nuclear bomb" and run over to Steve and ask how to turn it off. He plays a cop in the show. Maybe I thought he had some experience. I dunno. He tells me he has no idea. He's not on the bomb squad. I should read the manual. So, I get a (I swear) Procter-Silex Nuclear Bomb manual off the kitchen cabinet and turn to the troubleshooting section which has a section on dismantling it. It says the order to clip the wires (color coded) so I go over to the bomb and all the wires are white. I scream "Steve, they're all white! How am I supposed to know which to cut first?" and he just offers "cut the red one first". Ok, he's a moron and a bastard. I go back to the assembly section of the thing and draw a diagram about which color should go where on the chalkboard in the kitchen (it seemed perfectly normal to have one there). I start to cut, Steve screams "that's the wrong one! He has the bomb backwards" which seemed like a logical thought. So I cut the one on the other side...and then I woke up.

I'm never eating meat again :-)

Posted by vixen at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)

November 16, 2001

Iron Chef USA

Ah, America. A great land of freedom and suck that is. Yet another great premise from another country has been stolen by America and, in American fashion, turned into a great way to market sex, egoism and William Shatner. Didn't survivor teach us anything?

I must admit to being a fan of Iron Chef, mostly for it's cheesiness. However, it's a classic cheesy that William Shatner prancing around in a dress jacket and stuffing caviar down his face while Michael Burger discusses the intricacies of sea urchin gonads and "love juices" just doesn't convey.

First of all, does anyone in the world not know who William Shatner is? Does anyone in the world buy him as one of the great culinary minds of this century? I'm guessing the answer is no. Why in the world would they put him on the show? Half of the fun of Iron Chef is that it's actually believable. You look at Kaga and even though you know he's an actor playing a part, you think "ok, I can believe that's he's actually a chairman of a gourmet academy." With Shatner, not even the Chef's could keep a straight face (one of them referenced Star Trek). I won't even go into Shatner's bad acting. As I said, everyone knows Shatner already.

Secondly, what the hell was wrong with the announcers? When did we get 13 year old boys to comment on cooking shows. I know the only edible part of a sea urchin is the gonads but Michael Burger seemed a little too tickled to repeat the word over and over again. Then he insisted on pointing out how the Baywatch chick was eating. "I'd like to see a close up that". I think someone needs a little something more than food. Maybe a good kick to the edible portion of a sea urchin or a trip back to the 6th grade when that was actually funny.

The judges also left a little to be desired. Maybe the translators just make the Japanese judges sound smart but these judges were shoving it in with both hands and making no decent comments whatsoever. It seemed as if nobody on the show had any culinary experience at all. The floor reporter didn't do a good a job, the commentators didn't have any real insight and the judges didn't seem to know anything about food except how to eat it. Is that a big deal? No. Food is just to supposed to taste good afterall. However, it takes away from the things I enjoy about Iron Chef.

All in all, I think this show will last 2 episodes. But, being UPN and seeing as how they only show crap, it'll probably be on for 15 years. YAY!!

Posted by vixen at 07:08 PM | Comments (1)

November 15, 2001

Yay for's birthday! Woo!!

Yay for's birthday! Woo!! Everybody rejoice!

Inspired by the great and worldy vixen, I wanted to post some of my favorites here for all to enjoy.

Favorite Post Titles - yes, it's weird, but some of them were pretty damn funny:

Bard - "Take that hoe and shove it...", "Elderly people. Who needs 'em?", and "Most Important Meal My @ss."

Vixen - "SuckyUsers The World Wide Pain In The Ass", "Fillet Flay!", "Do I give off a Perv Pheromone or something?", and of course "The Only Things Guaranteed in Life are Death and Asses"

So profound...

Favorite posts from Bard and Vix - these were hard to pick out as I really couldn't choose, but I tried *g*.

This is just classic Bard humor. Gotta love it.

Bard's Newflash -

"Dan Rather could not be reached for comment, but rest assured, he is offended.
Sam Donaldson, however, stepped into defend his friend, saying "Dan Rather is a great anchor. This "bard" character has gone too far. He has no skills to speak of, and yet insults a person who has almost become an American Institution."

Bard then retorted, "Yeah, well. Shave your eyebrow, freak.""

This literally made me jump up and cheer. I really don't like vix's niece. Really *really* don't like vix's niece, and I thought it was about time vix put her in her place. I rank Amber up there with FlayvaFlay. If they decided to breed, they would have corn-scrumpin' Gap bastards. It brought me great joy to read these words :D.

Vix's post about her niece -

"I said, "I'm flabby? Honey, you've gotten a bit a chunky since you went away to school. At one time, you might have been thinner than I was, but now your waist is about 5 times bigger than mine. You've got a bit of fat on you there, you might try some of that aerobic exercise along with the toning.""

And I *suppose* I could add one of my own. This definitely wasn't my best work, but I think its universal message is very important, and should be spread amongst the college networks as much as possible. Forget "the international language of love," this is where it's at.

An Ode To Midterms -

"Midterms, midterms everywhere.
Midterms, midterms rip out my hair.
Midterms, midterms cause only dispair.
Midterms, midterms I think I'm f*cked..."

I also wanted to add one last category of Favorite Weenus, and would like to award that honor to Bobby Flay. You suck, Bobby, and you're not afraid to confirm that every time you get in front of a camera. You've given us countless hours of joy, and gave us an outlet for insulting you and your pseudo-grillin' ways. You are a total fucknugget (thanks to Bard for giving me that term, btw). Thanks for the memories, Bobby, and may you kiss my ass.

(Come on, you know you expected *some* kind of Bobby Flay reference. *g*)

Posted by ladyx at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 13, 2001

Happy Birthday!

One year ago today Bard first uttered these words:

"Yes, yes. This is my first post. Which means, there will be more posts coming. Scary thought, huh? And, none of them will have any relevant content. Aren't rants great?"

And so, was started and 3 online victims of circumstance would rant for an entire year about nothing. Yes, friends, today is the first anniversary of this site. Happy anniversary to us all. In honor of this joyous {cough} occasion, I've choosen three of my favorite posts and linked them below.

Bard's Reaction to Sept. 11 : Well, I don't really *have* to link this since it's still on the main page, but honestly, I think this post is the best of all the Sept. 11 posts. It honestly touched me.

Fave Excerpt:
"Growing up, the fabled stories of 2001 gave me great hope. There were supposed to be glorious space stations, world peace, people living on the moon, the end of poverty -- you name it, people said it. None of those really came to pass. To me, this officially ends my era of hope that the world would be a great place. This is but one of many things I am grieving for."

LadyX's Rant On Weight: Why do I like this one? It's dry, it's dark, it's witty, it's LadyX all the way. Although she is a bit on the harsh side to herself, the rant is hilariously funny.

Fave Excerpt:
"Why in the hell are all of the pants out now made out of stretch material? Since when have stretch-pants *ever* looked good on somebody? Even the tiny-figured girls look like crap wearing them...I'm not saying they should wear something big and baggy, but geez, those things just look tacky and gross."

As for the third of the trio, all of her posts are so good, it's hard to choose {grin}. JK, I even have a fave of my own.

My rant on Genetic Engineering: I dunno, I just like this one. I'm hardly going to call myself hilarious, deep, touching and witty...even though I am. I'm just going to say I liked this one. If that's not good enough for you, bite me.

Fave Excerpt:
"What the scientist really want to do is mimic certain deadly human genetic diseases in monkeys because monkeys are easier and more "ethical" test subjects (I doubt anyone asked the monkey about this conclusion). Personally, I think they should round up The Monkees and test on them. It's not as if the are actually making any real contribution to society. They should have to pay society back for unleashing such terrors as 'Valleri' and 'Daydream Believer.'"

So, there you go. My faves of 2001. Hope you enjoyed reading this site as much I enjoyed writing it!

Posted by vixen at 06:48 PM | Comments (0)

November 06, 2001

Ok, I'll bite

I see LadyX has made a point about not posting. I'll take a stab at an explanation as well, although mine won't be as eloquent as hers. I tried to post some silliness earlier (slug bug, my dog) but it just seemed silly. . . I know, it's supposed to be silly, but it seemed wrong. I guess I should get back to ranting over here but I really don't think I have a lot to rant about right now. I'm well aware that there have always been people who have more to rant about than I do but now it's different. The country is at war. We shouldn't bitch about every chick at the Gap who annoys us or every telemarketer that calls. We shouldn't worry about what people think about our religion or what our professor's think about us. We should be happy we have all that to bitch about in the first place. Maybe we should celebrate our right to rant?

Afterall, what's America without the Gap, telemarketers, freedom of religion and speech and annoying professors....ok, ok, I admit I could do without *most* of that stuff. However, the fact that it's here is a testament to America. What other place could overly priced clothes with cheesy ads become a household name? What other place could people actually make a decent living annoying others (and in some cases call it education)? What other place could get Jim Carrey, Michael Jackson, Mick Jagger and a slew of other conceited frea....nice people to pull together in a tragedy? Only in America would Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi and the Backstreet Boys all sing together on one stage for one common cause (sounds like a horror film, but it was actually nice). You gotta love this country.

All in all, I always envisioned this site as a place for sharp, black humor from the three of us. Whether it be poking fun of our own inadequacies or poking fun of someone else's. Over the past year, sometimes it has exceeded my expectations (and I can pull posts from both LadyX and Bard to show that) and sometimes I found myself falling way below them. Maybe in the upcoming year I'll try to stick my personal vision (which doesn't mean Bard and LadyX should. We all had different visions for the site I'm sure) and I'll stick my whining in my personal blog.

Posted by vixen at 06:49 PM | Comments (3)

Pointless Fun

I linked a great site below. I've seen this site before, but I stumbled onto it again. I love it. You can type in any URL and get (sometimes) a view of all the transformations the site has gone through. It's imperfect (graphics break, frames can't be basically just saves the HTML of the main page) but I love typing in my old URLs and laughing at what they looked like. It also has a nice section of some of the first sites on the Internet. Sadly enough, I remember most of them. Even more sadly, they have archives of sites I designed going back to 1996, way back when web design wasn't "cool". Hold that geek banner high baby!

Go Wayback

Posted by vixen at 06:47 PM | Comments (0)