Inside Delirium

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Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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November 23, 2001

Turkey Induced Visions

Apparently there is a reason why I don't eat meat, especially turkey. Some people say Tryptophan induces sleep. I think it induces bad dreams. Just for the hell of it, I'm gong to share mine with you. I quickly jotted it down, as I often do with my dreams, half awake early this morning so this is just what I remember.

The first thing I remember is driving in a SUV with my nieces's dad. For some reason, there was ice all around and his car broke down on a hill. We got out and attempted to fix it and some crazy person came up and screamed at us about bin Laden. I don't remember exactly what he said, I just remember "Bin Laden owns Chuck E. Cheese. You've been supporting him for years! He's in America's infrastructure!" Then I turned around and noticed there was a shelter across the street from where we broke down so I grabbed a bunch of stuff out of the car and went. Inside, they tried to take away a huge stuffed frog I was holding as it was made by Bin Laden too. For some reason I didn't want to give it up so I had a kick boxing fight with a chick and left only to go outside and see Chuck Norris working on the SUV. He stopped, looked up and said "You did good!" and then kept on. My mom pulled up behind me and said she heard I needed help and offered to take me home. She did and my house was just about 3 feet down the street. It wasn't my house but a huge Victorian mansion and Scott Baio was in the yard. She said she'd leave me outside with Chachi and went inside. Now come the weird parts.

Scott Baio and I went inside. I told him that the family was upstairs. He said "yeah but my bedroom is downstairs" and apparently that was enough for me to go down and make out with him. Ick! Lucky thing I did because we heard a gunshot upstairs (actually getting shot would be better than making out with Scott Baio....damn me). Scott (being braver than I would expect him too. One would expect he'd be under the bed crying) went outside through sliding glass doors and checked it out and I trailed behind him. There was a guy who liked Lex Luther on the balcony. Scott tripped and made a loud noise and Lex looked down. He didn't see us but I heard someone say "we have dogs" (I assumed they were talking about Scott {g}) so Scott yelled at me to let out the dogs. I opened his closet and 2 Dobermans jumped out.

I don't remember exactly how this happened, but somehow the bad guys get downstairs and Lex Luther was assembling a nuclear bomb in the kitchen. Enter Barry Van Dyke (aka Steve Sloan from "Diagnosis Murder"...I dream about his bastard a lot. He rarely even speaks to me. He always just gets me shot or thrown off a cliff or something. I hate him). As soon as he comes in the door, he gets shot (unfortunately, he doesn't die. He'll be back later) and I start shooting with a beebee gun which hurts no one. One of the bad guys gives me a gun with only two bullets so the fight will be fair. I argue with him that it isn't fair and I don't belive in thing I remember I'm shooting at a midget girl who can't get her gun unstuck from her garter belt (and the Freudians rejoice). Then I remember the nuclear bomb.

Somehow, Steve Sloan made it to the kitchen and is laying on the floor across from Lex Luther (who also got shot, don't ask me how). I scream "that's a nuclear bomb" and run over to Steve and ask how to turn it off. He plays a cop in the show. Maybe I thought he had some experience. I dunno. He tells me he has no idea. He's not on the bomb squad. I should read the manual. So, I get a (I swear) Procter-Silex Nuclear Bomb manual off the kitchen cabinet and turn to the troubleshooting section which has a section on dismantling it. It says the order to clip the wires (color coded) so I go over to the bomb and all the wires are white. I scream "Steve, they're all white! How am I supposed to know which to cut first?" and he just offers "cut the red one first". Ok, he's a moron and a bastard. I go back to the assembly section of the thing and draw a diagram about which color should go where on the chalkboard in the kitchen (it seemed perfectly normal to have one there). I start to cut, Steve screams "that's the wrong one! He has the bomb backwards" which seemed like a logical thought. So I cut the one on the other side...and then I woke up.

I'm never eating meat again :-)

Posted by vixen at November 23, 2001 07:11 PM

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