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Anti-Bobby Flay Ring

Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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December 24, 2000

'Twas the Week After Christmas

Oh yes, another parody from'd almost expect better wouldn't you? You obviously don't know me very well. Having just setup a Christmas computer for an annoying newbie-to-be, I was inspired :-p

'Twas the Week After Christmas

'Twas the week of Christmas

and all through the web
newbies were logging on
bringing nothing but dread.

The new computers were set up by the family geeks
and the newbies they puzzled about the Internet for weeks.
To AOL they fled faster than lemmings in spring
and their modems were plagued by that familiar busy ring.

But finally, yes finally, their modems connect
and they see the AOL welcome page which they think is high tech.
Surrounded by newness and eye candy that is swell
they hear a friendly voice say "You've Got Mail".

Happiness fills them as they check to see
a pornographic message from somebody named "LickMyWinkie".
Raising an eyebrow (and checking the site)
they soon learn about the Internet frights & delights.

The balloon sized breasts of Pandora Peeks
gives the newbies a blindness that will last them for weeks.
However, they move on, porn is only so thrilling
and soon they enter the chat room and are ripe for the killing.

With a "Y R U MEEN" and "HAV A G8 KNIGHT"
the newbies are slaughtered without a chance to fight.
Faster than a the newbies disappear
but yet they come again, they know no fear:

"Get out, It's YOU not U
Say LadyX and Vixen.
Stop annoying, stop breathing
cry the operators in unison.
We don't like you.
We don't like you at all!
Get away, GET AWAY!
Get away ALL.

As little kids with a bright shiny new toy,
the newbies they keep coming back to annoy.
Even when faced with endless torment and pleas
they just keep on surfing and chatting for days.

It happens every year come Christmas time.
New computers mean more annoying AOLers to whine,
more annoying forwards with promises of riches
and more people who act like spoiled little bitches.

Oh yes, web hits will rise which is good it seems,
but is it really worth it with the morons it brings?
I wish you needed a license to buy a computer
or at the very least, a licensed netetiquette tutor.

But their eyes how they glow in the monitor light
and how they wish they could surf the web at home in the night.
They don't know the difference from ROM and from RAM.
Is it Pentium or Celeron . . . "Who gives a damn?"

"Does it get on the Internet?" they ask with a gleam,
and they ask in the chatroom, "Where is this Internet thing?"
When told they are to stupid to live,
the newbies they giggle and ask us to forgive.

Come July they will have websites of their own design
with animated backgrounds and text effects that shine.
They live to torment those of us with sense.
Turning off their computer (or ours) is the only defense.

I hear you speak the words "We were all newbies once".
However, this is not true: I was new, not a dunce.
I guess they're not all bad, there are a few winners.
However, "newbie" is an attitude, not just a beginner.

Today's newbies are of a less informed, dumber kind.
I blame Windows, AOL and frankly, their minds.
For all of you with new computers in your grasps,
just be a smart newbie and I won't kick your ass.

"Happy Computing to all, and to all a good night!"

Posted by vixen at December 24, 2000 06:30 AM

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