Inside Delirium

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Anti-Bobby Flay Ring

Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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January 02, 2002

You Say You Want a Resolution

Well, here are some resolutions I'm making for the New Year. It's my Top Ten Resolutions of 2001 {wild cheers}. Ok, it's just 10 things I want to do.

  1. Be More Organized
    I've read that highly successful people are well organized (this goes with # 4 if you want to scroll down) so this year I plan to stop cluttering my desk and relying on post-it notes stuck all over to organize me. I have a nifty little PDA that is only used to play tetris. I'm going to set myself up a schedule and stick to it. That means a schedule of my jobs, my sleeping habits, everything. I won't put off studying until the last minute. I'll organize a time for chatting and a time for webwork and not try to do both so that I get confused and end up typing something hi to Bard in the middle of an article on Bill Clinton. "Bill Clinton had many scandals. Bard!!!" This resolution will be broken as soon as my class starts but it's nice to know I thought about it.

  2. Be More Social
    I was browsing social phobia books on amazon (the mall for social phobics) last night and I actually ordered one. It's supposed to give you some information on how to combat the "most misunderstood mental illness". Personally, I'm setting myself up for failure and calling it crap but I'll give it a read (see #4 to find out how ironic this is). However, I would like to be more social in some ways. I would like to be able to get a job without freaking out if someone talked to me or asked if I wanted mayo on my sandwich when they went to get lunch. Hiding under a desk and screaming "no mayo" is not a way to impress a boss into giving you a raise. So, I'm going to try and convince myself I'm an idiot for worrying what people think of me, all the while convincing myself that they hate me and think I'm a freak. Don't worry, I don't want more friends. I just want to be convince people who see me and don't know me I'm semi-normal.

  3. Get a Job
    You know, it would be much easier to judge the whole "mayo" scene if I actually had a job. I've never had a real job. I did some summer work at a pool, volunteered around in a bunch of places and yeah, I call myself a webdesigner and at one time I was pretty good. I could pick and choose clients and make as much money as I wanted to really. Normally I did 2-3 sites a month, made about $500 and money from a site I still I do (for which I'm contractually obligated not to give my salary away, lets say greater than or equal to). Today, I haven't had a real client in a few months. Yeah, I've done a few pages for discounts for people people knew. But I've made maybe $200. All of my webdesigner friends are suffering the same fate. They only get clients through friends and associates now, no one just clicks in. I guess the market is tough. At least I still have the undisclosed job...until they shut down (slated at around Jan 31 according to Fucked Company but I don't believe them. We'll overcome!). Anyway...where was I? Oh yeah, I'd like to get a real job. One that pays more than $6 an hour and doesn't involve the phrase "Uh, did you want fries with that?" would be nice!

  4. Read Less Self Help Books
    For me, 2001 was the year of self-help books for some reason. I don't know why. I didn't buy these things! They just ended up in my hand. Everything from "Biblical Prophecies and You" (not it's actual title but I forget, it spends time touting that the world was near it's end and using Biblical passages to prove it before telling you you're going to hell), to "Mindfulness in Plain English" (a book that teaches that the only way to enjoy life and be mindful is to clear your mind of everything) to "Juice for Life" (a book about juice can make you healthy, wealthy, happy, smarter and more interesting...hey, it worked for the author!). All of them trying to convince empty headed people that they need to buy more books in order to become a better person. I did get a few laughs out of them, but that was about all. Lovely friends who think I need self-help. They can help themselves to biting my...that's for another year.

  5. Worry Less About My Weight
    This has also been a year for anorexic behavior. I didn't realize how pathetic until last night when I was reading a group that was pro-anorexia and proud. I commented it was sad but identify with half of the things they were talking about. I read that group and the girls diaries until about five this morning. It was kind of like "get over yourself" call. I know all about identifying yourself with your weight, it's a number I toss around so casually (and my friends, online and off, know all about how often I toss those digits around). I know all about telling yourself the feeling of hunger is good. I often did that to myself while at school when all was eating was basically a small dinner (more than some of these girls, but not healthy) "you're not hungry, you're just burning off calories. It's a good thing." I spent time figuring out how many calories were in the food I ate, exercising that off and doing a few more miles for good measure, weighing myself in the morning and in the night. As much as I try be nonchalant about it, I know exactly how much my weight fluctuates during the day. I know how much weight I lose when I go to the bathroom. I know how much weight one glass of water weighs on me. Again, not to the extent that I used to or of these girls (obviously, I'm still a bunch over 100 lbs and have been for some time), but bordering on it. I think school triggers a lot of that for me. I'm not nearly as bad about counting calories and weighing myself now that I'm not going to class. I don't remember how bad I was originally. I don't remember much from that period of life actually. I don't even really remember if I was ever hospitalized for anorexia. It's all like a watercolor that's been left out in the rain. I remember being in the hospital (I assume that was about suicide though) and going to group and seeing a therapist one on one. I wrote a lot too but my journals aren't really meaningful. It's just random thoughts that make no sense and that seem to come from a person I don't even know. I don't even remember writing most of them. She's a person I don't want to know again. So, I'm going to make myself not revisit that period of my life.

  6. Pay More Attention to My Reef Tank
    Well, a little less heavy subject. Ever since I had people look at my tank for the holidays, I've felt it was pretty pathetic. My sister poked around at the glass, saw my one little fish (I have two, one hides a lot) and said "is that all? You have this big tank and just rocks and one tiny fish?" I pointed out the one tiny coral I have too and tried to find my other fish. She left disinterested. That's pretty much everyone's reaction to the tank. I really haven't been taking care of it lately (nothing to take care of really). So, I splurged on myself and ordered a bunch of corals from this online place (they're having a's not that bad) and they are supposed to arrive tomorrow. That means I'll have an excuse to mess with it some more. Woohoo!! Here comes the Kalk drip {fish techie wouldn't understand). My coraline is looking pretty good though, even though I haven't been paying attention to the Calcium levels or anything else. A bunch of my live rock is covered in purple. I just rearranged it a bit so some is ugly hideous white as it's been hidden from the light but it'll spread or be covered with wonderful little corals.

  7. Spend Less Money
    Yeah, I know the above makes this seem dumb, but I spent way too much money in 2001. I need to cut back. I need to pay off my credit card first and then my student loan and be debt free. So, I'm not charging anymore. I actually did set up a savings account in 2001 and I've been putting $50 a month in it. That's good at least. I don't really want to touch that for bills or student loans. I'm thinking of trying to put $100/month in it and see where that gets me. The only thing is I have so many things to buy an not enough cash. I have dozens of pets to feed and they all eat expensive food. My dogs get about $80 a month in food. They also get heartworm and flea stuff but I only have to buy that every 6 months (and it's about $200 for all of it). My rabbit and my cat together probably get about $30. Then there's the fish and salt for them. I haven't been cleaning it much but I'll start with the new stuff. Then I have my credit card, newly upped with my class and a bit of Christmas and now I have my student loan. I know I'll have to pay about $600 to taxes (last year I had about $900 but I made less this year). A friend offered to do them for me if I took him to dinner. I had to pay $150 last year to get them done so that sounds like a deal and I have other various bills and expenses too like everyone else....and on top of all that I'm a spend thrift. Anyway, I don't know if I'll have $100 left over every month but we'll see.

  8. Whine Less
    The above mention of money will hopefully be the most whiny I get this year. I'm well aware that I'm a spoiled brat and I have nothing to complain about. You don't have to point it out. I know sometimes I sound ungrateful and pathetic but, really, I'm just blogging. I don't blog about all the good things that happen to me because they aren't as interesting as the bad. Misery loves company and all.

  9. Blog More
    I'm slacking off! I started blogging with good intentions. At least one sort of relevant thing a week. Over the last year, months passed with only one entry. And no, I'm not going to post idiotic things for sake of posting. I'm actually aiming for quality (as much as you can expect from me) and quantity.

  10. Stop Making Top 10 Lists
    You know, these things are annoying. They are long, nobody probably reads to 10 and even though I have ten ides when I sit down to write them, I always loose one or two along the way. Besides, saying it's a "Top Ten" lists places limits on my creativity (you can change that line to represent the BS of your choice).

Happy New Years one and all and may you and I both stick to at least some of our resolutions!

Posted by vixen at January 2, 2002 07:31 PM

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