September 25, 2005
I normally don't read forwards, I don't even look at them. Normally I just delete them. This one had "Thank You" and it was from someone who I know so I read it a bit. It's actually funny.
"Subject: Thank you all!
At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me e-mails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern:
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number which will connect me with Singapore, or Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me grey.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub filled with ice.
I no longer have any sneakers --but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus (aka "Needless Markups") since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about die in the hospital for the 1,000,000 time!
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST) tomorrow, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician! "
Posted by vixen at September 25, 2005 12:11 PM
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