Inside Delirium

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Anti-Bobby Flay Ring

Delirium (di lir` iem) n. a condition of the mind, as during insanity, in which one is restless and keeps thinking and talking wildly.
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August 11, 2003

Chocolaty Gaming Goodness

Inspired by a recent conversation, and written during a boring 6 hour car ride, I am ashamed to present...

"Man Eating Plant. Man-Eating Plant?!?"

--- otherwise known as ---

"3 Minutes of Pure Adventure Gaming Chocolaty Cookie Goodness!"

Yeah. I need a life. But anyway. Read at your own peril. (Warning: LONG)

{The Madness starts now.}

Would you like to load a saved game or start a new game?

?] Load game.

What game would you like to play?

?] Global thermonuclear war

How about a nice game of Chess?

?] Global thermonuclear war

Naughts and Crosses?

?] Global thermonuclear war

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

?] List saved games.

Saved game files exist for:

?] Load boB.

Loading saved game files for "boB." ...

Narrowly escaping certain death, you run north and come across a fjord. There is a large Man-Eating plant blocking further progress to the north. The only exits appear to be north and south.

?] Think "Woo-hoo! I narrowly escaped death."

You think "Woo-hoo! I narrowly escaped death."
It was a rather pointless thought.

?] Look at Man-Eating Plant.

It looks like your typical Man-Eating Plant.

?] Talk to Man-Eating Plant.

Man-Eating Plant sways in the breeze, and growls.

?] Ask Man-Eating Plant where it learned to growl.

You ask Man-Eating Plant where it learned to growl.
It just growls some more.

?] Examine Man-Eating Plant.

The Man-Eating Plant is approximately 7 feet tall and has a width of approximately 2.7 inches. It has rather long branches with very shiny red leaves. The plant is covered in its entirety by sap.

?] Examine leaves.

Man-Eating Plant tells you to "Leaf" it alone.

?] Examine sap.

That would just get you into a very sticky situation.

?] Bark like a dog.

Clarify purpose of action.

?] Convince Man-Eating Plant that I am a dog, not a man.

Man-Eating Plant is totally unconvinced.

?] Repeat process for all members of the animal kingdom.

50 years later, the Man-Eating Plant remains confident that you are, in fact, a Man.

?] Examine sap.

You already did this, roughly 50 years ago. Have you forgotten already?

?] Examine sap anyway.

Man-Eating Plant thanks you for the generous donation of your arm. It was tasty. (Don't say I didn't warn you about a possible "sticky situation" earlier.)

?] Scream in pain.

You scream in pain. Blood continues to gush.

?] Inventory

You have a hairbrush, a pickle, and a snow globe.

?] Curse the fact that there is no first-aid kit.

You curse the fact that there is no first-aid kit.

?] Eat pickle.

Blood is escaping at an alarming rate.

?] Look at snow globe.

Oooh, pretty.
You're feeling faint.

?] Comb hair with hairbrush.

Ignoring the fact that you are bald (50 years of aging will tend to do that to a Man), you scrape the comb over your scalp. You reason, as much as one in your physical state of anguish and lost blood can reason, "I might as well look good for the afterlife..."

You awake in a white room, with black curtains.
(It is, of course, located where all white rooms with black curtains are located -- by the station.)

Two people are standing next to each other, behind a counter.

?] Ask "Where am I?"

You ask yourself -- "Self, where am I?" -- and do not receive an answer.

?] Walk up to counter.

You walk up to the counter. The two people behind it are ignoring you.

?] Examine counter.

The counter is made of glass and polyurethane.
It is a good counter that performs its task well.
You also judge it to be of high moral character and full of fiber.

?] Ascertain counter's task.

You deduce the counter is there to keep you away.

?] Examine counter in greater detail.

On the counter rests a bell. Above the counter is a sign that reads:
"Grace, George, and Gwen's Soul Processing Services."
They appear to accept Visa, American Express, and MasterCard.

?] Look at people behind counter.

Grace and Gwen glance at you briefly, and then resume ignoring you.
At least, you figure that those are Grace and Gwen.
Really, I guess you can never be too sure.
If your assumption were correct, however, it would seem as though George isn't around.

?] Ring bell.

No answer.

?] Ring bell.

Still no answer.

?] Ring bell twice.

Ding! Ding!
This is seemingly useless.
Damn bell. Rotten, stinking, infernal bell.

?] Smash bell.

Grace and Gwen, now rather perturbed, say in unison:
"What now!?"

?] Ask for assistance.

You are pointed to a rather unremarkable number dispensing apparatus, and are told to take a number.

?] Take a number.

You have to walk to the dispenser first.

?] Walk to dispenser.

You walk to the dispenser.

?] Take a number.

You take a number.

?] Read number.

The number reads 1,271. In the distance, you hear either Grace or Gwen (not sure which) call out "230! Number 230! We will see you now".

?] Sigh.

You sigh.

Several hours later, one of the two ladies calls your number.

?] Walk up to counter and show number.

You show your number the counter.
The number thanks you for the picturesque view.

?] Show number to ladies.

They acknowledge the fact that you have a number.

?] Ask for assistance.

You should find out what the ladies can assist you with, first.

?] Ask what the two fine ladies do.

"We process souls like you. But first we need to see your credit card."

?] Show credit card.

You do not seem to have one.

?] Inventory

You, currently being a lost soul, do not possess anything.

?] Ask about alternate payment plans.

"That's George's department. You need to speak with George."

?] Ask for George.

"He's not here."

?] Insist on speaking to George.

"Oh, ok. If you insist." they say.

(Incidentally, the Great Secret of the Universe(TM) is that to get anything done, you must INSIST that it be done. Furthermore, you must INSIST as though you had the AUTHORITY TO INSIST THAT IT BE DONE. That is neither here nor there, though. Especially not at this moment.)

Both ladies walk into a back room and huddle with a mysterious third person, who turns out to be George.

(He really is very, very creepy and stuff. I'd show you a picture of him, but it'd scare the children. Please just take my word for it.)

The resultant shadowy image visable through the walls reminds you of a three-headed monster. A three-headed monster not entirely unlike Cereberus, but very, very different.

Finally, the three figures approach the counter.

?] Ask George for help.

Patience. They are not yet at the counter.

?] Wait for them to arrive at the counter.

You wait. Finally they arrive.

?] Ask George for help with alternate payment plans.

George helps you open a line of credit.

?] Ask for a list of available services.

"Heaven. Hell. Reincarnation. Your choice."

?] Ask George to be reincarnated.

The three retreat into the back room, and again appearing like Cerberus but very, very, different, enter into a heated debate. You overhear threats of sporks being placed in very, very uncomfortable anatomical locations, and gulp. Finally, after many hours, they return.

George says "Sure thing." and rematerializes on Fiji.
George has a smile on his face and is clearly enjoying the tropical paradise.

?] Explain that my request was misunderstood.

Gwen and Grace, again in unison: "SO WHAT!?!?"

?] Protest haughtily.

Your complaint is again dismissed as being unfounded, per company policy.

?] Sigh.

You sigh.

?] Ask Gwen to reincarnate me.

Reluctantly ceasing your protest, you ask Gwen if she could reincarnate you.

Grace says, pointing, "She's Gwen. I'm Grace."

?] Ask Gwen to reincarnate me.

Gwen says, "That's Grace's department."

?] Ask Grace to reincarnate me.

Explaining that the process is irreversible, Grace agrees and puts it on your tab...

You awake in a large fjord. The sound of certain death rumbles to the south. To the north, you see a Man-Eating Plant that is remarkably identical to the one you encountered earlier. It's like deja vu all over again.

?] Inventory

You have a hairbrush, a pickle, and a snow globe.

?] Sigh.

You sigh.

?] Quit.

Are you sure?

?] Yes.

Are you really sure?

?] Yes!

Fine. You don't have to be so rude. Goodbye.

Posted by bard at August 11, 2003 10:37 AM

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